Three tips for taming the overwhelm monster
(And why some overwhelm is positive)
Waking up, I immediately felt weighed down by the long list of to dos I’d assigned myself. The weight of the list made the idea of choosing just one feel overwhelming and unappealing. An anxious energy chided me to just dive in, even blindly as to start the progress. I wanted to escape the discomfort in the oblivion of action. Instead, I brushed my teeth, made coffee, and hopped on Zoom for a standing Thursday morning yoga and chat date with a friend. After about an hour of half of talking, my own yoga practice, and meditation, I’ve had some sparks push through, centered around viewing overwhelm as growth. They’re my mantra of the day, maybe they’ll be yours too.
Basic premise: overwhelm is part of growth
Our systems become overwhelmed when there is a lot of input, potential and uncertainty. While not all overwhelm is positive, and some is downright heartbreaking, there is a sweet spot.
The demolition phase of a remodel feels much messier than when the outdated structure was standing. Before demo started, at least we could see what is was — point to the kitchen and the bathroom and other rooms with four walls and doors! Now, all we see is the pile of junk. It’s easy to forget this pile of junk is actually one step ahead of the the dilapidated building. We must demolish what is standing before we build anew.
Out of the overwhelm new growth is possible. We have flashes of clarity — ah yes — we did have a vision, and then moments of utter confusion, as we continue climbing through the mess we’ve created, momentarily losing site of the vision that had been clear only moments before.
If there is no overwhelm at all, we are playing too small. Of course, let’s manage the overwhelm, integrate, but if we never feel any, it’s a sign there is room for more growth. We do not want to be in overwhelm all the time — that would be too stressful for our physical bodies and mental wellbeing. Yet, to have moments of it, to feel and then move through, is an essential part of becoming our biggest, grandest, most actualized selves.
Here are the three ideas I’m holding close as I move through my growth vortex and the overwhelm monster rears it’s noisy head.
1. Props
When I first started practicing yoga I assumed props — blankets, blocks, straps — were for beginner students. Those who needed an assist, who could not do the full version of the pose. As I continued to practice, I learned props actually allow us to go deeper and better work through patterns in our bodies.
For example, imagine you’re lying face-up on a yoga mat with your legs splayed out and your feet touching — a reclining butterfly pose (supta baddha konasana). Unless your hips are extremely open, the muscles in your hips and glutes will tense to protect the integrity of your body. While the aim of the pose is hip opening, contraction will result. What if instead you take two yoga blocks and place them directly under your knees. Ah…I can feel the relief. Now, your muscles can release their strong hold because the stretch is supported. By using the prop in this way you are gently supporting a hip opening. There is one caveat though — if with the blocks under your knees, you feel no stretch, we need to adjust again. We’ll turn the blocks to a lower height, or replace them with a blanket. We’ll make adjustments until there is a stretch you can feel while still remaining open and unconstricted. Everyone’s needs will be different. We all have different patterning in our bodies.
Not a yogi? Here’s another example. Right out of college I was an English teacher for high school boys in Chicago. It was special education class and though the students were in 9–12 grade, they all read between kindergarten and 4th grade levels. The very first day of school I greeted them at the classroom door and told them to grab a book and go to their desk. This was a terrible move on my part. Books and reading were uncomfortable for my new students. The majority of them immediately shut down or started acting out — understandable protest behavior to their new environment. Later, I would learn to go more slowly and offer more support. If a book was challenging, but doable students would move through it and learn from the experience. If a book was so beyond their range that they tripped over every fifth word, they gave-up, generally disrupting the classroom in the process.
What’s the crux I’m getting at? Support and scaffolding aren’t signs of a beginner or an easy way out. They are signs of self-awareness and understanding of how we integrate and learn. When we are in challenging situations, we will be able to learn and progress through them best when we have support, and when we don’t over-push. If we push too hard, we will naturally contract to protect ourselves. It’s instinct. The level of support we each need will vary.
So, reflect on what support you need. What would give you the safety to go deeper? To open more, to feel more? To be more? What props do you have available or can you secure to support your level of need?
2. Mental tips — watch the upper limit and remember the 4cs
There is a concept from Gay Hendricks that has changed how I view every challenge in my life. The basic concept is we get used a certain level for everything. We get used to how much money we make, how satisfied we are in our career, the depth and fulfillment of our relationships, and even our daily level of joy. Even if we dream of more, a part of us resists. We are comfortable where we are, and we subconsciously believe we deserve to be where we are. As Hendricks says, we have set our internal thermostat to a specific temperature and when we feel the temp rising we do something to bring ourselves back down to our comfort zone, or at times, much lower.
As an example, Benjamin Hardy does an impressive job explaining how Will Smith’s Academy Awards slap fiasco was exactly this. At the cusp of a career highlight, he managed to self-sabotage the sh*t out of himself.
I believe part of the overwhelm we feel as we up-level our lives is this — it’s integrating the higher temperature into our nervous system. The overwhelm will not last forever, but it is a necessary part of growth, just like a spiked temperature and runny nose are part of our bodies elevated response as we fight a virus.
Second, Dan Sullivan, a well-loved strategic coach, has a framework called the 4 Cs. While the upper limit concept has given me more understanding how obstacles show-up in my life, the 4cs is a quick and simple roadmap to view growth. The four Cs are:
- Commitment
- Courage
- Capability
- Confidence
In a nutshell, we make a commitment — maybe we agree to speak at an event, complete a new task for a client, or start our dream business. After we make the commitment we’ll often have a WHAT HAVE I DONE???? moment. We realize we have no effing clue what we’re doing. The task is too big, too hard, we didn’t think through what we were getting into, we don’t know where to start, etc etc. The next step is a leap of courage. We take the stage, jump into writing the book, or ploddingly plan and plant our garden. We may make missteps, walk in circles, write draft after draft. It’s only by working through this stage that we develop the capability. If we don’t take the leap, nothing changes, we don’t learn or grow. It is through the process of doing that we develop the confidence. The confidence isn’t there when we say yes, it develops after we rise to the occasion. This new confidence feeds into whatever is next — the cycle repeats with something new.
This framework is helpful for me as I work through creative projects and feel overwhelm. I have made commitments and taken leaps. I’m developing the capabilities now. As I develop capabilities, it is normal to feel some overwhelm. The temperature is rising, my nervous system needs time to adjust to the heat. It’s OK to take my time here. It’s OK to feel the overwhelm in this stage. It is all part of the perfectly unfolding creative process.
3. Honor what you feel, even if you don’t know why you feel it
The other day I saw an article that had a headline along the lines of “Study finds crying for a reason is acceptable at work, but crying without reason leads to judgement.”
The way we judge others is also how we judge ourselves. If we can’t point to a source for our pain, or overwhelm or general unease, most of us will find our feelings unacceptable. That’s a huge mistake and missed opportunity.
Just because your mind can’t rationalize it, doesn’t mean what you’re experiencing is any less worthy or real. We are so blessed to have many ways to process events and emotions in our lives — our conscious minds are only one — others ways of processing our beneath our conscious awareness.
If you’ve ever burst out crying in yoga class after a deep stretch, emerged from a bodywork session feeling utterly different in emotional and spiritual body, if you’ve ever given yourself over to a hard, sobbing cry, if you’ve run and with each foot on the trail let a little more of your baggage thud into the earth, you have experienced this.
If our minds had to process every little thing, we’d constantly be in a state of debilitating overwhelm. On the occasions where lots is bubbling up and you don’t know why, tell your mind it is OK. Trust that even if you don’ know exactly what is coming up and why, you can let it move through you. Be grateful as hell your mind doesn’t have to process every little thing, and this one is moving through you, up and out rather than staying stuck. Let it flow. Be with it.
Move your body, cry, scream, run, dance, laugh or simply tune in and respond as wisdom emerges. See if you can breathe into it, rather than push it down.
We can work with our bodies to process whatever is coming up — overwhelm, fears, tension, stuck patterns from years past, and so much more. The absolute beauty is we don’t need to know what is coming up and why for this to work. We only need to create space and give ourselves permission to express in this way.
If overwhelm is moving through your body, embrace this form of processing. If you are feeling overwhelmed, give moving it through your body a try. For example, set a timer for 10 minutes and give your body the floor!
In review….
Overwhelm is a normal part of growth. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, congratulations, you are pushing your limits and choosing to live bigger than you have in the past. Three tips for taming the overwhelm monster are:
1. If you are tensing instead of relaxing into growth, find ways to go more slowly and support yourself. Too much discomfort results in constriction. Gentle support builds trust and opening.
2. Two mental frameworks to consider are the upper limit and 4Cs.
- When we move beyond our comfort zone, we may self-sabotage to return. Recognize any self-sabotaging behavior. Work with your nervous to integrate new levels of joy in your life.
- Commitment →Courage →Capability →Confidence. The growth cycle requires courage. Overwhelm may pop up as we’re readying ourselves to take courageous leaps, and also while we’re developing our capabilities. It’s OK! It’s normal!
3. Honor what’s coming up, even if your mind cannot make sense of it. As humans we are blessed to have multiple ways to process. Cry your eyes out, move, let emotions dance through your body. You don’t need to overthink this or know why.
Resources I mentioned:
